The Problem With Threequels

In about 4 days time when The Dark Knight Rises is released many people (including me) will possibly have a new favourite trilogy in their life. Chris Nolan's epics will go down in history as the greatest incarnation of Batman ever put to film; even if quite a few of us secretly preferred Michelle Pfeiffer and Danny DeVito in Batman Returns. But will it go down as the greatest trilogy ever put to film? To properly work this out one must decide what is the greatest current movie trilogy around at the moment. And so 3 days before it goes on national release I assembled a crack team to decide which trilogy is currently number one. Who does the man in the black suit have to beat to attain top spot.

I drew up a shortlist of five trilogies which I thought would be in contention for the top. Many great ones did not make the cut as I was being incredibly strict on my decisions. For example (and it may come as a shock to several people) a trilogy is made up of precisely 3 films. Not 4 (sorry Indiana, Ripley and McClane) and certainly not 6 (sorry Yoda). I know many people will cry that Star Wars is 2 separate trilogies and that the fourth Indiana Jones should not be counted for being what is technically known as shite but they were all made by the same people and therefore are part of the same franchise. Controversially though I would have accepted The original 3 Spiderman films as they have rebooted the franchise and started from scratch much like Nolan's Batman did. The Bourne films are out due to the upcoming fourth instalment (same universe and characters even without Matt Damon). I did allow The Toy Story trilogy because a) Although everyone suspects and half knows they will do a fourth one it is not official and hasn't even started shooting yet. And b) my girlfriend likes them.

To make the cut the films needed to continue a storyline running through them (so no Clerks, or vengeance trilogy) and have three consistently good movies. So many trilogies are let down by terrible last instalments including the original Xmen trilogy, The Godfather trilogy, Spiderman, Blade and The Matrix. I was worried I was going to be left with only Back to the Future, Toy Story and the Rush Hour films and there was no way Chris Tucker was coming in third so I did a bit more research online. Many other series of films were just too different from each other to be classed as a 'proper' trilogy. Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal and Red Dragon are all films starring Anthony Hopkins as Dr Lecter but just too different in tone to be put together (and 'Hannibal' is pretty bad apart from when the guy from Goodfellas eats his own brain). I also really wanted to put the Millennium trilogy in the top 5 (The Girl with the...books and films) but something tells me if they get Danny Craig to make the other two then the American remakes might actually end up being better. Others that didn't make the cut were The Evil Dead and The Mariachi (the ones with Antonio Banderas and a guitar case full of guns) trilogies because the sequels are essentially remakes of the originals but made on more than a $50 budget. 

And so we come to the top 5. Not the top 5 best movies (many of the ones I have previously mentioned are miles better than some of the ones I am about to. I will give my reasons why they are included before my crack team of whoever answered my phone calls and wasn't busy this evening thrash it out over lager, Twiglets and Haribo. Please don't complain because Star Wars or Indy isn't in there. Blame George Lucas, not me. So in no particular order:

1) The Austin Powers Trilogy
I can already hear people screaming at their laptops/phones/IPads. In fact I am going to probably be the only one defending this particular set of films. But with the exception of Ron Burgundy I challenge anyone to think of a funnier film character than Dr Evil in the past 20 years. Deserves to be on the list purely for having made 3 comedy movies and still be funny (The Hangover didn't even make it to 2 remember) and also to remind us that Mike Myers used to actually be amusing. Do yourself a favour and watch them again; They're better than you'll remember.

Would someone please give this guy his own Spinoff?

2)The Dollars Trilogy
Now I am not a fan of Westerns. However for the sake of this article I will be settling down tonight to watch 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly,' 'A Fist Full Of Dollars' and 'the other one'. Purely because I am assured that for fans of the genre it is the best trilogy ever made (Bet you anything it comes fifth).

It's the guy from Million Dollar Baby!!

3) The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy
Christ when was the last time anyone sat down to watch all of these back to back? The 'new Star Wars' gets included even with the forthcoming Hobbit because they are based on different books (and yes if Star Wars was based on a book then maybe that would have sneaked in here too; but it isn't so hush your gums.) Considered by most to be the most epic of epics it is truly a wonder of modern film-making and wonderful story telling. But is it still amazing all these years later? Does it suffer with Return of the Kings 6 million endings. Are the hobbits really just a bit shit? And is Legolas still cool when most people now know Orlando Bloom as that twat from Pirates of the Caribbean?

No matter what it's still a great excuse for a Sean Bean picture

4) The Back To The Future Trilogy
Great Scott! Without any films with the words Wars, Terminator or Bourne in the title this is probably my trilogy of choice. it does everything a trilogy should. Not leaving too much time between sequels. Constantly upping the stakes. And having the final part set in the Wild West for no particular reason. Michael J Fox is a perfect leading man (playing 4 different members of his own family over 3 movies.) No matter what you think about the sequels there is no denying that everything is wrapped up nicely in what is actually only 3 days in the movie (apart from the 130 year time span). It is just good clean family fun.

The Scalextric set had gone fucking mental

5) The Toy Story Trilogy
Do you know why Toy Story gets in here? It's not because my lady friend demanded it. No, it's because it has more heart and warmth and gives us more life lessons than any of the above movies (by above I of course mean above Back to the Future which taught us about how to make sure your parents have sex.) Possibly the best ensemble cast ever put to film it became the animated movie not just for my childhood in 1995 but with DVDs and the threequel released 2 years ago it became the childhood movie for a generation nearly 20 years younger than me. And
(spoilers) 
anyone who didn't cry when they are heading into the furnace at the end of the third one simply doesn't have a heart. Now coming from a kids film THAT'S impressive.

The singular reason why no child in 1995 has ever thrown any of their old toys away

So there you have it Batman fans. They're the films Nolan has to beat on Friday. To be fair they will probably be called better than the Austin Powers movies anyway and I've given him a fair old chance by not including  Star Wars or Indiana Jones. Read the next part of our trilogy debate tomorrow as we count down towards the film of the years release. And don't complain because I've missed out your favourites. Firstly; you don't pay me so I don't really care and secondly; I think I've given pretty good reason why I have anyway. Damn it I forgot about Men in Black!
Peace & Love

This article is dedicated to all the good first films and sequels let down by a terrible third instalment including (but not limited to) Indiana Jones. The first 2 Matrix films. The first 2 Alien movies. X Men 1 & 2. Terminator 1 & 2 (although I actually quite liked the others). The original Batman, Batman Returns and Jim Carrey in Batman Forever. Blade 1 & 2.  The Godfather 1 & 2 and Andy Garcia in part 3. The first 3 Die Hards. Spiderman 1 & 2. And above all Pirates of the Caribbean whose great first effort was let down a total of 3 times by complicated sequels and Orlando Bloom. May you all be released on blu-ray and dvd singularly from now on. Amen.
  
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Attack of the Star Wars Debate

Prologue: http://thomas-eydmann.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/supertest-new-blogs-prologue.html

THE JURY
Tom Eydmann: CEO & Star Wars fanatic/guru
Abbey Hollins: Never seen a single Star Wars film. Completely neutral
Cammy Morgan: Star Wars hater. Likes Dr Who & The X Files
Ryan Thomas: Was 11 when A New Hope came out in cinemas (now 46)
Luke Stevens: Was 11 when Revenge of the Sith came out in cinemas (now 18)

'The trick to watching Star Wars if you've never seen it before is to watch it on your own so you can experience the wonder for yourself and not have 5 people in the background making Wookie and light sabre noises the whole time' I tell Abbey as I rummage around in my cupboard trying to find my old X Wing and Millennium Falcon toys. Yes for my first ever debate I have chosen arguably the franchise with the most hardcore fans in the world. Bigger than Twilight, Harry Potter and Batman. The only franchise that can possibly be bigger than Star Wars is Star Trek but that is for a different day. As I wait for the remaining people to arrive I fetch out my Star Wars viewing guide which I received in the post several years ago. It contains lots of information for people watching the film for the 600th time. Then I remember why I am watching the film today. I need to keep an unbiased and clear head. I need to pretend I am seeing A New Hope for the first time and whether it stands up to modern day blockbusters still. I sit on a sofa opposite my lady friend so she can watch the movie in blissful silence and I can observe her movements. I am envious of her. I wish I had never seen the trilogy so I could experience it again as brand new.

Luke arrives with a few of his toys which put my early nineties stuff to shame. My TIE Fighters wings fall of if you press a button. His Naboo fighter has no less than 7 different button and 14 different things to do to it. Little prick. I ask Luke what it felt like to watch a series of six movies where the effects got considerably worse whilst the story got considerably better. He shrugs and says he was so hooked by Attack of the Clones he barely noticed. Ryan arrives with some Star Wars trading cards which he says are worth thousands but I am pretty sure came free in a packet of Frosties. Cammy has outdone herself. As a known Star Wars hater I suspected she would do something to annoy me but she has surpassed all expectations by turning up in a set of Vulcan ears pretending she has 'made the extra effort for me.' I smile, hug her and whisper in her ear to take them off before we have a falling out. We settle down, I dim the lights and feel the tingle as the Fox fanfare starts. PUNCH IT CHEWIE!

125 minutes (special edition running length), 15 beers and a bottle and a half of wine later we sit down to start the debate despite mine and Ryan's protests that we watch The Empire Strikes Back first as it is the better film by far. Everyone seems eager to put their opinion across (except for me who has a slightly sickly feeling in my stomach). Ladies first and as Abbey is the newbie to the franchise and also the girl who lets me sleep with her she gets to start.

Abbey enjoyed the film. She thought the special effects were amazing for the time (I do inform her that we are actually watching the special edition with updated graphics). She likes Han Solo and Chewie and thought the droids were funny. Abbeys main criticism of the movie was that it didn't really explain a lot but also didn't feel like it was the start of a trilogy.I explain that it was originally just called Star Wars and it was only after it did so well that Empire and Jedi were planned. That seems to make sense to Abbey and a lot of the others as well. It is true that apart from Darth Vader surviving, the plot of Star Wars is very nicely wrapped up. The Emperor is not even present during the film and the main bad guy (Moff Tarkin) is blown up with the Death Star. 'And where was Yoda'? Cammy pipes up. He wasn't even mentioned. It is true that the movie does seem a bit standalone with so many characters who are huge in the rest of the series not being mentioned at all.Jabba, Boba Fett, the aforementioned Yoda and The Emperor. The fact that some of these characters were added into the special additions show how A New Hope seems a bit of a loner when looked at as a whole. Abbeys other criticism was that it does seem like a bit of a child's movie. This coming from a girl who loves Harry Potter! She says that the whole winning at the end and the medals was a bit cheesy and felt like the end of a fairy tale. In fact the beginning 'Long Long time ago...' seems like the start of a fairytale to be honest.. We move swiftly on to someone who hopefully has a more positive opinion.

Which brings me on to my part. And I hate to say it but unless you watch Empire Strikes Back straight afterwards I sort of agree with Abbey. Star Wars just isn't what it once was 20 years ago when I first saw it. Whilst the destruction of the Death Star at the end is as climatic a battle as any in other Sci Fi movies the rest of it just seems to be a set up for the rest of the trilogy. I long for the battle of Hoth or Endor to liven things up a bit. Having said that Han Solo is still one of the best characters in any blockbuster ever made and Darth Vader is still the best bad guy in movie history (even if he is about a fifth as scary now I'm in my late twenties). Most of the time during the film I found myself quoting lines along with the characters but this is more nostalgia rather than anything else. Still, even it isn't exactly how I remember it it still shits on most of the Sci-Fi films made today. The end of my argument is summed up by me standing on a chair, waving a can of Fosters in the air and shouting that I would still rather watch Star Wars than any Lord of the Rings or Avatar.

Luke is like a dog on heat. 18, full of beer and having watched a Star wars film with adults for the first ever time he is punching the ceiling with how good it is. All the little bits of knowledge I have are being lapped up by Luke. He is actually impressed by me quoting 70% of the film and spent at least 15 minutes playing with my toy XWing on the floor. In fact I think he is a bit in love with me. I feel I should discount Luke's opinion as it consists of saying that 'Star Wars is fucking dope, period' over and over again. Still it does show one thing. As a child Star Wars is still magical and something to fall in love with and that is what we are debating.

Ryan  like me is itching to watch Empire. He concedes that watching the movie he mainly felt nostalgia for his childhood (I almost think I see a tear in his eye at some point.) Ryan has only seen one of the prequels and thought it was shit so has not seen a single other one. He had not seen the original trilogy in over 5 years and although he will now watch Empire and Jedi (you can't start and not finish he reasons) he admits that he will not be watching them again in a hurry. They are part of his past and he wants them left there along with Punk music and hairspray

The biggest surprise is Cammy. Looking at me with her 'Don't you fucking say anything' look she stares at the floor and admits she really enjoyed it. She says that she previously didn't like Star Wars because all her male friends were into it and she just wanted to be different. Now she realises that it isn't just for boys and she was generally excited during the light sabre fights etc. I punch the air in excitement. This proves that Star Wars is still magical to adults. It still carries that special something with people who watch it and simply give it a chance. Luke solemnly hands his toy lightsabre over to Cammy and she stands up swinging it drunkenly at my head for a moment while Ryan makes some very convincing swooshing sounds. No matter how the vote comes out today I am happy that Cammy has been converted and even Abbey says she will watch the rest of the movies now as well (I am still trying to convince her to miss out Phantom menace).

And so we come to the final vote. Remember we are not just deciding whether it is a great film but whether it is as good watching it as an adult as it is as a kid. We go round in a circle and state our decisions.
Abbey: Abbey enjoyed the film but thinks it is probably a lot better for children watching as the whole magical/fairy tale aspect is a huge factor. She will however be watching the rest of the series but her vote is NO
Luke: YES, Yes , Yes. Representing the wonder of youth Luke votes that Star Wars is just fucking awesome no matter how old you are. He them has one beer too many and throws up in my toilet before his mum comes to pick him up.
Ryan: NO. As much as it clearly pains him to say it Ryan says he just doesn't feel the same watching the film 35 years after it was first released. It makes hm sad but he will always remember it as a kid going to see it in the multiplex for which I am eternally jealous.
Me: Although I feel that when I first saw the trilogy it was a lot better than I remembered I also argue that that is the same for everything in the world. The Matrix was better when I first saw it. Life on Mars was better when I first watched it. Sex with my ex was better when we first had it. Some things get better with age and somethings don't. However based on the whole trilogy I still think it stands the test of time. Empire Strikes Back is still one of my favourite movies ever and if you view Star Wars as the Batman Begins to Empires Dark Knight then YES I do think it is still an amazing movie now as it was when we were kids.
Cammy: And so it all rests on the girl who came dressed as a fucking Star Trek character who 'hates' everything about the rebel alliance. Cammy stands up with her wine glass in one hand and light sabre in the other. 'As much as I hated the films in theory before and as much as I hate Tom to be right, all I can think about now is how I really want to watch The Empire Strikes Back; and so I have to vote YES .'

And so at 3-2 it has been decided that Star Wars is still a fucking kickass movie for adults who both have and haven't seen it. To be fair I never thought it would be that close and also we are talking about the trilogy as a whole. We all retire back to the living room to watch Empire (as Han would say it was a boring conversation anyway). As the At-Ats advance on Hoff and get tripped over I smile to myself and high-five Ryan. Abbey and Cammy are both transfixed. A bit later Yoda makes his entrance to cheers and later on Lando becomes the coolest (and only) black guy in the whole Star Wars universe. As the film ends on the down note of Luke losing a hand and Han being frozen in Carbonite Ryan has to leave (he has a kid after all). Me, Abbey and Cammy however stay for the climatic Return of the Jedi. With the opening storm of Jabba the Hutts barge, The destruction of the second death star and Darth Vaders triumphant redemption I can almost forgive George Lucas for the Ewoks. After it finishes  I can safely say that Abbey is a changed woman and the score is now a happy 4-1. We retire to bed and as we all fall asleep I know that 5 people in this country tonight will be dreaming of TIE fighters, Obi Wan Kenobis and Jedi mind tricks. Star Wars still fucking rules and if you disagree then well; I find your lack of faith disturbing (if you aren't choking right now then just pretend you are for added realism. My powers are not what they once were).

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Supertest: A New Blogs Prologue

I do enjoy a good argument. Whether it be about music, TV, football or whether it is acceptable to where Trackies to the shops I have an opinion about it. I believe that it is hugely important as human beings to be able to give across our thoughts and opinions in the form of a valid argument. Lots of people I have come into contact with across the years have hated my stubbornness and fiery temper when it comes to my opinions. Girlfriends have hated me, friends have hated me, many many people have hated me if I'm honest. luckily today I found a way of channelling my need to argue and debate into one weekly topic.

I have been asked by a website to write them a weekly article reviewing some form of media. Be it a video game, film or TV program I just need to make it different and entertaining. It doesn't even need to be a new release. I was struggling to think about how I would lay the articles out to make them separate enough from what my usual work looks like when it hit me. Quite literally. I was looking through some cupboards at home trying to find some DVD to write about when a load of magazines fell out of an overhead cupboard and smacked me on the forehead. As I sat on the floor I skimmed through the mags all over the floor expecting them to be an old collection of pornography. I was surprised to discover that they were something even better. PC Zone.

If you never play computer games you may as well stop reading now (this is why I have printed these articles in a separate blog). Still here? Good. In the mid nineties PC gaming was absolutely huge. They were faster and more accessible than their console equivalents and actually had games made specifically for them rather than just copies of Xbox games like you get nowadays. I was a huge PC gamer. Mainly because my parents wouldn't splash out to buy me a console so I had to wait for my sister to buy a Snes but also because of one magazine. PC Zone. If you ever read a magazine about games it is generally written by technological whizzkids who assume you know all the jargon about computers and have no social life. In short they are a bit up themselves and shit. PC Zone was different. Headed by a bunch of pissed up writers in their mid twenties (including one Charlie Brooker) they spent most of their time swearing about how shit some games were. Many reviews went completely off topic as they got bored of playing the game and the magazine was as much about comedy as it was gaming.

Sitting on my floor flicking through the pages I realised that it was some of these people who made me want to be a writer in the first place. The magazine was banned from shops twice (for including a level of the game Doom which contained nudity and for a Charlie Brooker cartoon featuring a zoo where children are encourage to maim animals in a satire of Tomb Raider) and was more like a Loaded or FHM than any kind of serious games magazine. This suited me perfectly because after years of trying to pretend otherwise I can finally admit that I am shit at computer games. I don't know what it is about me; maybe I just can't handle all those coloured buttons but I am just not very good. Over the past few years I have been absolutely thrashed on multiplayer versions of Call of Duty, Fifa (every year), and every strategy game known to man. When I was a kid I would get beaten at Goldeneye by everyone I knew. When we played games like Resident Evil or Gears of War and you had to pass the remote to the next person when you died my go's generally lasted about 6-16 seconds. Games I have completed like Grand theft Auto 4, Max Payne 2 and Half Life 2 have always been in medium mode at max (I can never face hard mode). Even games where you cannot die like Monkey Island I would get stuck and have to look at a walkthrough. Being shit at games but still enjoying them gave me a sort of connection with PC Zone that I never had with any other type of gaming medium which seems to consist of 15 year old boys being the best at absolutely everything under the sun.

After 17 years the magazine shut down as consoles took over from PC's and the Internet took over from magazines altogether. However PC Zone is a piece of my childhood and adolescence that shaped me and today they repaid me my £3.99 per month by giving me inspiration about what to do for my first article.

Every month in PC Zone they had something called a supertest. This basically involved all the writers playing 5 games from a certain category (driving games, strategy games etc) and then getting absolutely hammered whilst arguing over which is best. This was genius for two different reasons. One it was very very funny. And two instead of the normal sorts of review where you got one single persons opinion on a game, here you got 5 people arguing for and against which led to a more balanced view being presented.

So this was what I wanted to do. Essentially I wanted to sit in a room with a lot of alcohol and argue with my peers about some completely pointless topic before handing the results over to my editor. I wouldn't write solely about computer games but about the topics that matter. Whats the best TV show on at the moment? Is the PS3 really better than the XBox? What's the best superhero film that doesn't feature a bat in it? And is Sonic cooler than Mario? These are the questions that the public want answering. And me and my crack team of drunk angry people will attempt to answer them each week. But which to do first?

So the girl I'm seeing at the moment has never seen Star Wars. Not a single one of them. She doesn't hate them it's just never happened for her. I have never had the opportunity to watch the original Star Wars trilogy with someone who has never seen them. And I want a certain question answered. When I watch the trilogy now I get a chill through my body as lines from my childhood are dispensed with glee. I sit up like a 12 year old seeing his first pair of tits and giggle like a schoolgirl when Leia kisses Luke (urrrgh!). But is this just because Star Wars is a piece of nostalgia from my childhood or is it actually as amazing as we all say it is. In short

IS STAR WARS STILL AS AMAZING NOW AS IT WAS WHEN WE WERE KIDS?

Of course I needed more than just me and Abbey and I knew exactly who to ask. Cammy fucking hates Star Wars with a passion. She doesn't hate Sci Fi; she is a big fan of The X Files and Doctor Who but she just hates Han, Chewie and the rest of them. She is the perfect Yin to my Yang. Making up the board are my old work colleague Ryan who was actually a child when Star Wars originally came out at the cinema (he is 46 now) and Luke; my friends 18 year old brother who is possibly the only person to have watched Star Wars from episode 1-6 in chronological order as they came out being 11 years old when Revenge of the Sith was released. So we sat in my front room ready to solve the first of my big questions. A crate of beer, 3 Star Wars fans of varying ages, a hater and a newbie, ready to watch and bitch about the worlds greatest ever franchise (fuck off Harry Potter fans)

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